That’s the main reason why I’m writing this. I don’t want what happened to me to happen to anyone else. I don’t want anyone to lose their job, their calling, their home, access to healthcare, pension contributions and all the other tangible and intangible benefits. Back in 2017, I wrote Bishop Eaton asking for help with this issue, asking for help in creating a safer and kinder church. Sadly, I understand things have not improved and for many, have gotten worse.
I’m also putting this on paper because as I write my Substack articles, I’m finding it difficult to make over 15 years of my life disappear, as if they never happened. These have been painful years but I can’t erase my life. However, the biggest reason I’m writing this is because I have connected with others who have been hurt by bishops and other leaders in the church. Our stories are all particularly our own, and yet all the same.
This is long because a lot of shiz happened. I’m not going to go into the details of what happened between my former colleague and myself. That is all in the lawsuit and because it’s public information you can find it online. But here are a few of the highlights.
§ My colleague’s behaviors began really starting escalating in 2012. These behaviors scared the dickens out of me.
§ I reported his behaviors to the Synod, and they were minimized and excused. At this same time, I was diagnosed with Common Variable Immune Deficiency, a crappy, chronic immune diagnosis requiring weekly infusions. My doctors, and I, believe the stress got to me.
§ I was diagnosed with PTSD resulting in a three-day hospitalization. Once I got away from the situation, I bounced back although later I was retraumatized by the deposition and the psychologists in Philadelphia. (see further detail below. Also see institutional trauma.)
§ I did not receive disability or other financial support after the six months passed. The Synod ignored my phone calls/emails asking for next steps.
§ I filed a lawsuit because along with my job/calling I lost my home and income. I not only lost my home, I lost our current and future financial security due to lost wages and pension contributions.
§ The lawsuit was settled in May 2017. I received $12,000. I do not have an NDA.
It was an awful time. I think I spent six months straight crying at almost anything. Losing my home was hard, but the worst was not able to preach Jesus in a public setting. Every time I went into a church, I just broke down; being a pastor is what I was born to do. It meant everything to me.
If you want more detailed information about any of this, DM me.
After the lawsuit was over, on August 18, 2017, Bishop Ann emailed asking to meet for mediation, per the settlement agreement. We finally met on March 29, 2018. Present at this meeting was myself, my husband Martin Marty, Bishop Ann Svenningson, Assistant to the Bishop John Hulden, and Barbara Keller, a representative from the ELCA in Chicago. Bishop Ann said to return to ministry I would need to complete my paperwork and complete the required testing. She said, “they had not had good luck here” (in the Twin Cities) with consulting services. Barbara Keller mentioned a psychologist in Philadelphia, PA that “did the Rorschach test”, and I would there go for the testing. It seemed a little dodgy to me to fly me to see Philadelphia psychologists but I trusted them because it’s the Church, right? Bishop Ann said the flight, hotel and testing would all be paid for by the Synod.
On September 16, 2018, I met with Dr Dennis O’Hara at Physis Associates in Exton, PA for a clinical interview and testing. Testing included the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2, Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory-IV, Multimodal Life History Questionnaire, the Rorschach Inkblot Test, and the Neo-3. I spent two days in Exton completing the tests and the interviews.
At the initial clinical interview, Dr O’Hara had a stack of paperwork on his lap which he said was from Bishop Ann. I asked what was in the paperwork, but he refused to tell me. However, he did say, “Bishop Ann wanted me to tell you that that no one likes you, no one wants you, so go. Just go.” I was gut-punched. I remember asking him, “Where do I go? Montana, Wyoming, Idaho?” because I didn’t know where you go when you’re told you’re being shunned. He responded, “It doesn’t matter, just leave your husband and go.” I was told I wasn’t welcome in the Church, and I was not to talk about events that had occurred.
Every time I tell this story, I think how surreal it sounds. I think people must think I’m making it up because who says something like that? I remember the feeling of being gutted because the Church has always been my home. A safe place where I learned the Gospel. It is true though, and it did happen, and even though it couldn’t be more opposite to what Jesus and the Gospels proclaim, there are lingering moments when I still feel the shame and disgrace of his words. I called my husband Marty that night telling him what Dr O’Hara said and I was just big and blubbery. After I got off the phone with my husband, I watched Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony in my hotel room.
When I received the report, it seemed off. The language was forced, stilted, awkward. The psychologist’s report suggested that I should be placed on disability. I wondered how long I would be on disability because by that time I was doing well and I was working full time as a hospice nurse, a job not for the faint of heart. People heal. After some wrangling, I got copies of my test results, and the outcomes were “unremarkable”, indicating no significant pathologies.
I took the tests to four PhD psychologists, all of whom agreed that the results were unremarkable. I asked Dr Michael Moller in Hudson, WI for guidance as he did Rorschach testing too. During the Spring/Summer 2019 he reviewed the Physis report, the test findings and re-administered the Rorschach. He discovered the Rorschach from Physis was coded inaccurately. Also, the report itself was material lifted from the Rorschach tester’s manual. In other words, the psychologist did not write much of the report; it was merely cut and pasted text. Further, Dr Moller and another psychologist, Dr Jacque Wiersma, reported that it did not meet the American Psychologist Association (APA) standards for a psychological assessment. At the end of his report, Dr Moller wrote:
In summary, my impression, based upon the available sources of data, is that Kae repeatedly endeavored to draw appropriate boundaries in her relationship with Mark. Kae eventually bought her concerns to the Bishop’s office when Mark reportedly failed to respect her boundaries. The response of the Bishop, reportedly having requested that Kae meet with Mark to improve their relationship, was at best naïve. My impression, based upon Kae’s reports as well as a review of the report from the previous assessors, is that Kae’s experience with the psychological examiners in Pennsylvania was traumatizing as well as having led to profoundly inaccurate findings regarding her psychological/emotional functioning.
Why did the ELCA send me to Philadelphia for these tests? Why did the report differ so much from my test results? And why do they send the person who reported misconduct to be tested and not also test the harasser? My colleague never even received sexual misconduct training the Church requires from other leaders.
On October 9, 2018, a little less than a month after my experience with the Philadelphia psychologists, Bishop Ann wrote in her blog:
To watch the testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh was heart wrenching for me. Though I have not been a victim of sexual assault, I have experienced sexual harassment. And I’ve spent hours with victims of both, as a pastor and bishop. Perhaps, the countless hours a bishop puts into protecting the church from sex abusers and working for restoration after a congregation suffers the agonizing effects of sexual misconduct have made the past 10 days especially heartbreaking.
What she wrote in her blog was certainly not consistent with my experience of reporting harassment to the Synod.
I have had no response from Bishop Ann since our meeting in 2018. She has not answered any emails or phone calls. It’s been six years. Recently, John Hulden, Assistant to the Bishop at the Mpls Area Synod, did respond when I asked about my call status. He informed me that I am on ‘continuing disability’, therefore still rostered but unable to return to ministry.
On March 26, 2024, John wrote the following:
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. There isn’t usually a title associated with disability status. When you were granted on leave from call with continuing disability in 2015, it was to allow for time away from ministry for your mental health. When a pastor goes on leave from call there is normally a three-to-six-year time limit for being on leave before one loses their roster status—but with a continuing disability status, there is not a set end date. Hope this is helpful.
This is the entire email disregarding salutations. I think “title” means diagnosis but I’m not sure. I’m guessing that I may be on continued disability with no end in sight despite having no medical diagnosis supporting a disability. Also, I’ve taken plenty of “time away” since 2015 to the point of absurdity. It feels a little like an ecclesiastical purgatory. It’s hard for me not to believe that I was placed on continuing disability by Bishop Ann because I reported the harassment. But how can we keep our churches safe if there are not reporters? Was I distraught each time I was traumatized by my colleague, by the Synod, by the lawyers, by the psychologists? You betcha. Did I grieve and feel angry? Grief and trauma are normal responses to injury. Who wouldn’t if they in good faith reported, asked for help, and then lost their home and calling? I wanted to keep the Church (and myself safe) by reporting. I know there have been attempts to silence others because I’ve spoken to them. I want the Church to be safe. How is it possible that this has happened to other leaders, as well? Why doesn’t the Lutheran Church follow the same employment and civil rights laws outlined in both Federal and State laws, as well as well as American with Disabilities Acts protections? Why does the Church hide behind the First Amendment?
I never want this to happen to anyone else.
Two other things I want to address.
The Rumor:
The rumor that my colleague and I were having an affair. This is not true. There was nothing. Sexual harassment is about power abuses, not about sex. Saying I had an affair is not only hurtful but is used by institutions as a distraction, to shame, silence and discredit reporters.
I have also heard there is “proof” of an affair. The only “proof” I can think of is from the deposition when one of Synod’s lawyers was vicious. Think honey badger (This is pretty funny video, btw). Aggressive lawyers are hostile, and not well-liked or respected in the judicial system. The Synod’s lawyers use techniques such as bullying, employing false logic and false equivalences with me, as well as only allowing me to only answer “yes” or “no” to questions. For example, here’s how it went. On and on for nine hours:
Lawyers: Do prostitutes go to bars?
Me: Yes
Lawyers: Have you been to a bar?
Me: Yes.
Then telling me I had admitted to doing or being, god….whatever.
This was a tame question. The intrusive, lascivious, presumptive questions I can’t really talk about. It. Was. Brutal.
So aggressive. The lawyer was trying to get me to admit that I “welcomed (my colleague’s) advances”. I did not. And the truth is there never were advances. My colleague just told me things that made my hair stand on end and frightened me. In legal terms, it’s called a hostile work environment. By the afternoon, with no lunch (I couldn’t leave their office area), I was out of it. I don’t remember much. I was exhausted and the accusations about my character were warped and inaccurate mischaracterization of who I am and my intentions. I only have vague memories, like looking down at the hem of my sleeve or the lawyer telling me to hurry up because he needed to get to his granddaughter’s dance recital. I do remember yelling out at the end, “This is why women don’t report sexual harassment!” Did I admit something? Did I get cornered into a confession? I was worn down, so hungry, so harassed, I am sad to say that I don’t remember. It’s just a blur.
My lawyers later told me that the abusive tactics used by lawyers to “trap” defendants is known as the “nuts and sluts” defense and was used with Anita Hill in the Clarence Thomas case. It is also referenced in the movie North Country. Charlene Theron’s character’s lawyer says to her, “Wait till you get to a courtroom -- it's called the 'nuts and sluts defense.’ Either you're nuts, and you imagined it, or you're a slut, and you asked for it -- either way is not pretty.”
How are these tactics then used as proof? I even heard one of the lawyers who was part of the settlement agreement tell the senior pastor at Central Lutheran that there was “proof”. No kidding. I’m cautious to write his name here but it seems to me a breach of attorney confidentiality.
Bottom line, I want to address that terrible rumor that there was an affair and clear my name.
The Regrets:
As I look back on things, I don’t regret much because all I did was try and keep on trying. I was told so many times to be silent. I regret when I did. I regret that my story, my truth, my narrative was taken from me and so many times I acquiesced to be “good” and not rock the boat. Being good got me nothing. I’m speaking up now because what happened to me also happened to other people, and that it happened to others is enough. The Synod has taken a great deal of my life and future away so I have nothing left to lose by speaking up, so I want to speak up for myself, and with and for others. I don’t want this to happen to anyone else. If speaking up causes problems, I now understand that the environment is benefitting from my silence.
My other regret is that I hurt people. None of it was intentional but it’s currently the one thing that keeps me up at night. Trauma and grief make you weird and weepy, afraid and reactive. You start to heal but if you’re retraumatized, the weirdness cycle happens all over again until you feel safe, and loved, and connected. I’m feeling good now. I have really great and lovely friends and I’ve created a new life for myself. Somehow thanks to others, distance and a lot of damn internal work I got strong, and I can speak from a place of seeking justice.
The other thing I regret is engaging with an awful legal system that grinds up people. When the Synod said that I was supposed to report harassment to Mercy Seat, not them (as it says on their website), Mercy Seat got caught up in the awfulness of the legal system. I told a couple of the leaders at Mercy Seat about some of my colleague’s behaviors and that was enough for Mercy Seat to get taken into the legal grinder. It hurt people and the Church had to close and for that I’m deeply sorry. Would I have done the lawsuit again? Probably not because my colleague is back working in the St Paul Synod and the whole process destroyed so much. I wanted to protect the people of Mercy Seat from my colleague’s actions and harm, and I feel like I failed. I love the people of Mercy Seat. I ask for your forgiveness.
How do I close this? I keep returning to my hope that what happened to me never happens to anyone else. That the Mpls Synod, the ELCA breaks this pattern of silencing, or attempting to silence, voices of those who speak truth. There are better ways to do things. We even have state and federal laws to guide us.
More than anything however, I believe the Church has a cause: Jesus Christ. As I wrote to Bishop Eaton, I want to see Christ’s hard-fought promises rise up in concrete and tangible ways out of unhappy situations. I want to see hope emerge from despair, and something life-giving come out of something so sinful. I want us to take the Gospel promises from the Kingdom on the Right and lead with them - to the best of our wounded human ability – and integrate them into the Kingdom of the Left where the ELCA still resides. I believe that Christ’s favorite thing is to forgive sin and to raise the dead. We can’t trust much, but this One we can trust.